Somebody Call the New England Journal of Medicine


Because the latest break through when it comes to the dietary needs for human kind have come from none other than Betty White (natch!).   It seems Betty, who just turned 89, has unlocked the fountain of youth by forgoing Slim Fast, 8 Minutes Abs, the Atkins Diet, that weird flush thing where you drink water maple syrup and hot sauce (you know you tried it!) and every other fad diet you ever bought and abandoned 3 days later in favor of her own carefully crafted daily meal plan consisting of red licorice, hot dogs, french fries and Diet Coke.  As someone who spent a fair portion of their 20’s (okay okay, all of their 20’s) pretty much living on french fries I can certainly attest to the analgesic qualities that derive from deep fried potatoes, so none of this is really news to me. But it’s when theories are recognized by science and the public that they finally become fact!

If I know Hollywood at all like I think I do, 3 weeks from now, Scarlett Johansson, Jessica Alba, Anne Hatheway and every other dull cunt that will blab to any magazine as long as they can so long as someone is listening to them are going to be singing the praises of the Betty White diet and how they’ve been “doing it for years, it’s great to slim down before a role.” But thanks to the on-set whistle blowers from Betty’s show Hot in Cleveland and the tireless investigative journalism going on over at US Magazine, we all know the truth from the start.

If there are two things I love in this world, it’s Betty White and infomercials and if Betty Whites management has any foresight they will patent this shit and start hawking it on television for all the overweight insomniacs tuned it late at night. Shit, I’ll buy anything Betty White is selling.

Source: US Magazine