10 Celebrities that need to SIT DOWN in 2014

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10. Justin Bieber:

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Instead of standing up in pants that look like he just shit himself, sleeping with Brazilian hookers that gave zero incite on his dick size (what is this shit???), and getting all of our hopes up by stating that he may or may not retire this year, we would much rather that J. Biebs just sits the fuck down for the remainder of 2013 and for the upcoming new year. For the sake of our sanity, and that of his poor publicists that have been forced to make excuses for his ass all damn year.

9. Kanye West:

Kanye West Tussles With A Photographer At LAX

This is the one person I wish had sit down before he managed to impregnate Kim Kardashian’s gargantuan ass. From bad music videos that make us wonder if this is all just a bad acid trip (exhibit A: http://youtu.be/q604eed4ad0), and that make us want to advocate mercilessly against Photoshop abuse (exhibit B: http://youtu.be/BBAtAM7vtgc). This year in which delusional Kanye sought to make us all hail “Yeezus” backfired tremendously and delegitimized him as both a rapper and as a semi-respectable celebrity (which was highly debatable in the first place). If there is one person who needs to be told to “Sit ya ass down” before causing even more damage to his own career, it’s Kanye. Trouble is he probably wouldn’t hear you anyway because it’s impossible to hear jack shit when you’re too busy motorboating an ass as large as Kim’s.

8. Heidi and Spencer:

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I’m sorry. Why are you two still here? Just as we started to forget about the traumatic reign of terror caused by Heidi and Spencer back when bitches still gave a tap-dancing fuck about the Hills, they attempted for a comeback (of some sort), this year that sort of makes us wish MTV had worked in killing them off into the show’s script. This year Speidi made headlines after Heidi got her size G breast implants removed, and Spencer claimed he was broke and overweight (cool story, breh). What Speidi is having a hard time understanding is that the year is no longer 2007, and it was their turn to sit down a long ass time ago.

7. Miley Cyrus:

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Let me start out by saying that is Miley had a big ol’ ghetto booty to twerk with she would not have made this list. But seeing as though girl’s ass is in there negatives and she still thinks she can shake it like a red-nose pitbull, girl needs to take a keen word of advice and SIT DOWN before some ratchets show up at her door and pull out [what’s left] of that nasty-ass haircut.

6. Paris Hilton:

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It’s a shame that if this girl was not born with a silver spoon shoved up her ass she probably wouldn’t be as bothersome. But bitch is still rich as fuck and is showing no signs of going away. Because money means resources to further abuse your fame and everyone’s hearing, Paris thought it’d be a bright idea to become a DJ this year. Obviously, this fading star is still blind as fuck, because bitch can’t see that she needed to sit her ass down right after the Simple Life was cancelled. Come on, Paris, take a hint.

5. Gwyneth Paltrow:

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The most oblivious and narcissistic skinny bitch that should have been ushered out of the Hollywood spotlight years ago. For Gwyneth, I’m just not so sure if we should supply her with a muzzle so that we no longer have to listen to her every time she opens her mouth, or an ass cushion to ease the pain for her pancake booty when she’s told to sit the fuck down.

4. Blake Lively:

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That being said- this aspiring GOOP Paltrow is the next up and coming “lifestyle” blogger that should be stopped before it’s even started. Because blogs that tell you that your lifestyle is worthless unless you have a shit ton of money, are fucking one of hollywood’s biggest toolbags, and are nothing but a pile of bones should never be a fad. Please, Blake, instead of wishing you were the next Martha Stewart why don’t you do yourself a favor and sit your skinny ass down while I shove this much-needed hamburger down your pretty little throat.

3. Perez Hilton:

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Evidentially, someone forgot to tell Perez rule #1 in celebrity blogging: Just because you write about celebrity gossip does not make you a celebrity. Sit down, good sir.

2. Lady Gaga:

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Fat-headed people are never cute. Fat-headed celebrities are even worse. After dropping an album dedicated to letting us know just how rich and powerful she is seemingly blew up in her face in 2013 (thank GOD it didn’t go #1) it became clear that Lady Gaga really has nothing left to prove for herself as an artist because she seemingly cannot seem to shock anyone anymore with any of her antics. And yet, she still tries mercilessly. And it’s becoming more and more painful to watch. Poor Gaga, she’s lucky she still has the gay community to fall back on or else she really would have realized how bored everyone is with her and perhaps would have spared all of our ears by not releasing her last dreadful album and would have remained in her seat, where she belongs.

1. One Direction:

One-Direction

Never would I have thought that boy bands would make another comeback since N*SYNC and the Backstreet Boys broke up years ago (RIP!!!). However, it is evident that this day has come with a vengeance. It’s painful when a little girl cannot name a song by either of these N*SYNC, and yet act like One Direction created the definition of “boy band.” Especially when you take into account that One Direction will never touch the success of any 90’s boy band, and yet they have an entire aisle dedicated to them in every Claire’s across America. It’s been a rough year for music to say the least. And I fear the day that 1D fans tell their grand children that they were the pioneers of boy bands when those bitches won’t even participate in the act of SYNCHRONIZED DANCING!!! Because we all know damn well that’s what makes boy bands so grand.