10. The Chris Blond:
Jesus. Can we not?? Perhaps Rih put him up to this as revenge for their 2008 VMA brawl. Or perhaps this is just more evidence that Breezy just isn’t right in the head, either way. This shouldn’t have happened, but I’m sort of happy it did considering it’s always a delight seeing Chris make an ass out of himself. And you must admit, it really did complement the douche tattoos.
9. The Icky Nicki:
It’s hard to look at her head and not start craving cotton candy. But the fuckery doesn’t stop there. Nicki continues to bewilder us with her fugly hair styles on a regular basis. None take the cake like this, however.
8. Oh Lorde, corn rows.
I am a strong advocate of white people wearing cornrows, especially when their oblivious as to why it’s not very kosher for them to be doing to. Lorde in this case is too young to understand the inappropriateness of this hairy situation and for that I solute her and whoever put her up to this.
7. Azealia Banks Tri-Braid:
I really didn’t know how stupid this hair style was until I attempted to wear it myself. For such an indecisive hair style (are you pigtails or half-assed cornrows?) she really did work it pretty well. Which was why I thought I’d give it a fair shot. Unfortunately, as soon as I looked in the mirror I regretted this attempt, and was embarrassed for even trying.
6. Brit Brit’s Jank Weave:
You’d think with this whole comeback thing her team would have made an effort to stop sewing gutter-weaves to this poor girls head. The thing is Britney probably would have had reasonably long hair by now considering it’s been more than 5 years since the head shave incident but they just keep making her re-track and weaving some Walmart quality hair extensions in before she could even get the chance to grow back her real hair. Now every time a new music video by her airs we’re left silently pleading “GIRL CHECK YO WEAVE! DEM TRACKS ARE GNAR-LY!!!!”
5. Rihanna Head-Shave:
Does anyone remember Tegan and Sara? I used to listen to them in high-school so much that I decided to shave a small section of my hair to look like them. BAD IDEA. It ended up being the same year I got my license and passport picture, so the unflattering haircut will continue to haunt me until they expire in 2014. That’s why I was taken by surprise when Rihanna did the same damn thing this year and it became THE LOOK almost overnight. I imagined hundreds of her fans doing the exact same thing I did when my mom refused to get half of my hair shaved professionally, that being sneaking into your parents bathroom while they slept and using your dad’s electric razor to do the job for you. I hope that’s the case anyway, that way I wouldn’t feel so alone in the world.
4. Lady Gaga Hair Bow:
It was inevitable. Some asshole was destine to figure out idiotic way to manipulate their hair into the shape of a bow eventually. Gaga just beat us all to the punch, and that’s why this hair-do should have never happened. So help me Jesus if I ever come across some stuck-in-2008 asshole that wears this obscenity on their head head I will rip it off faster than you can say “Poker Face.”
3. Justin Timberlake Corn Rows:
It was a tough call choosing this hairstyle that was perfected by JT over his ramen noodle Jerry curl, however, like I said earlier, I am a sucker for white folks in corn rows. This hairstyle to me, solidified Justin Timberlake’s position as the star that shines brighter than all the rest [in my heart]. He executed this hairstyle with great confidence and obliviousness to how irate it was capable of making people. And for that, I will always love JT. If Harry Styles were to ever shoot for this look, I hope someone smacks him upside the head because he can NEVER touch this.
2. Kristin’s Greasy Vampire Locks:
Here’s my issue with Kristen Stewart. Girl looks like she grew up outside and yet she’s rolling in dough. So if she really hated showering this much I’m sure she could at least afford to buy some damn dry shampoo before hitting up the red carpet looking like a fucking cave woman. She’s not doing anyone any favors by looking like her hair has gone unwashed for her entire life. So why do people buy into it so much? That’s just one of the great unsolved mysteries of Hollywood. And man, is it fuckin’ nast.
1. Miley’s a Real Boy:
Never will I forgive this girl for making us twerk around a stage while not only having the skinny-ass of a little boy, but also the butchered haircut of a little boy who was too poor to go to SuperCuts and was forced to resort to using a lawn mower to trim his blond locks. If Malfoy is really the look this season i apologize in advance for having it all wrong, but Jesus Christ it’s been a year that she’s had that thing on her damn head and she just refuses to listen to anyone that tells her she was way hotter with hair. So why is she punishing us like this? What did we ever do, Miley? Probably to prove to all the “h8ers” that she really was serious about not giving a shit what anyone thinks about her. But it’s been over a year now and all she’s really proven is that she is becoming increasingly harder to look at. So please, give it a God damn rest, Miles.