“I’ll Have a Venti Lemonade, Hold the Ice.”


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Growing up as the youngest of four, I was always the certified bottom-bitch in terms of having a lemonade stand with my siblings. I was never allowed to stand and help pour our delicious beverages at the picnic table we’d set up and deck out at the busiest street corner in our neighborhood, instead I was forced to strap a gargantuan hand-made sign that advertised our sale, strap on roller blades, and proceed to blade around the block numerous times shouting “LEMONADE!!!! 25-CENTS!!!!” Goopy Paltrow’s kids obviously didn’t hustle as hard as we did back in the ’90s, because these little twinks have their mom on site to aid them in their efforts.

The lemonade being sold is a recipe straight out of GOOP’s lifestyle website, naturally, because it is 100% homemade, organic, and or course, according to TMZ, sugar free. Lemme be the first to say “F*** dat shit, I’ll make some Kool-Aid when I get home.” The price is a bit outrageous, for lemonade anyway, as is every product that Gwyneth seeks to promote. But here’s where s*** gets even more hilarious,

“A buck for a glass, 2 for Venti and bargain if you buy a cookie.”

Luckily, the sign doesn’t actually advertise the larger size in the Starbucks scale, if I were to pass a sign that did, however, I would  call the authorities, force them to inquire if these kids have a legitimate business license, and since they most likely don’t, make them shut their asses DOWN so more kids aren’t influenced by Gwyneth’s kid’s sick marketing tactics.