Top Ten If Anna Wintour Hosted Your Wedding

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Imagine that you’re rich and famous and therefore had the ability to hire whomever you desired to host your dream wedding. Who would it be? Mine would be Blohan, so at least all my guests would be intoxicated enough before they are forced to hear my drunken vows and having to witness my dad trying to keep me balanced as I stumble down the isle because I’ll be well-beyond schwasted. And if Blohan isn’t available (of course Blohan is available), I’d hire J. Lo, but only if she acted in character from her role in The Wedding Planner.

The last person I would decide to have host my wedding however would be my mom. Because she would probably just do me the favor of booking the ceremony at the court-house so I don’t make an embarrassment of myself- and to make it as quick and painless for everyone in attendance (her guest list consists of 0.00 people). The second person I would think to hire as my dream wedding-planner would be Anna Wintour- because b**** is a damn fossil. What the f*** does she know about modern weddings? Oh yeah, nothing.

Here’s Top Ten If Anna Wintour Hosted Your Wedding to help prove my case.

Anna Wintour’s son, Charlie Shaffer, 28, was wed to Elizabeth Cordry, 27, this weekend in Mastic, New York.

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10. Your wedding would take place on Anna Wintour’s estate, of course.

If I was looking for a more prestigious venue than Anna Wintour’s house I’d be trying to book GOOP’s backyard.

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9. The venue is decent but not quite Vogue-status.

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8. Your attire would arrive freshly dry-cleaned.

Naturally.

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7. Even Anna Wintour’s own daughter’s attire proved mediocre at best.

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6. Your musicians would play in a damn tree-house.

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5. Your floral arrangements are ordinary and consist of little to no roses.

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4. Your flower girls will look like pilgrims.

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3. The nineties will call asking for their wedding dress back.

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2. Pretty much the only really cute part of your wedding is the lawn-chairs.

Designed by Manolo Blahnik.

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1. And the train of your dress- I guess that was pretty cute too.

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