Top Ten Kreeping Up On the Kardashians

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Kim Kardashian was spotted tanning in Mexico this Tuesday as little North West looked on at her mother while in the arms of her nanny. We guess when you’re set to make $85 million off of a s***y video game, you can use your wealth to take care of every aspect in your already easy life. We feel so sorry that North had to see her mom in such a tiny and unflattering bikini, but we doubt that North really recognizes her anyway since their never together.

Here’s Top Ten Kreeping Up On the Kardashians:

10. Kim Kardashian continued to neglect her daughter, North this Tuesday while tanning with a friend:

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9. The residence at which they sunbathed was that of Joe Francis:

So maybe that’s why she didn’t bring North?

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8. Except, hold up- North actually made an appearance at the Girls Gone Wild creator’s beach front property:

Because what’s a more child-friendly environment than an adult-film creator’s beach house?

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7. Kim seemed uninterested in her daughter’s presence. That was until she noticed the cameras:

“Shit, hand over North, quick!!!”

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6. So Kim got her fat-ass up:

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5. And pretended to be a good mom for a quick sec:

“This won’t take that long, will it?”

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4. She told her nanny to f*** off so the paps could get a few shots of just her and North:

Kim’s interpretation of mother-daughter bonding consists exclusively of photo-opps.

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3. And just as soon as it started- their bonding time was over:

“Get this out of the way, nanny.”

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2. Back to tanning:

Motherhood is so exhausting.

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1. And what’s a poolside visit without posing for a few shots alone:

It took her friend ten shots of Kim splashing in the water to get one suitable enough for her Instagram.

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Top Ten Celebrities at Cannes

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Cannes is a film festival in the south of France that pretty much gives even the most talentless celebrities (see: Suki Waterhouse) a reason to dress in designer clothes, to get all fancy for movie premieres they weren’t even in, and most importantly, a chance to log on to Instagram in an attempt to one-up all the other famous bitches in attendance. Here’s Top Ten Celebrities at Cannes. 

10. Jessica Chastain:

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9. Robert Pattinson (with Guy Pearce):

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8. Justin Bieber:

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7. Kendall Jenner:

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6. Cheryl Cole:

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5. Blake Lively:

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4. Suki Waterhouse (with Justin Bieber):

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3. Cara Delevingne (with Sharon Stone):

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2. Paris Hilton:

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1. Blohan:

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Top Ten When North West’s Face Says It All

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The Kardashian family created quite the spectacle today by romping around Paris in a number of rough fashion ensembles. The Kardashian family’s toughest fashion critic is none other than baby North West, who looked extra pissed to be seen with the group since they made her dress up to match her mom’s outfit. Here’s Top Ten When North West’s Face Says It All.

10. It all started today in Paris when Kim Kardashian was seen wearing this mess:

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9. Kanye upped the stupidity by wearing this:

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8. It’s like they were making a deliberate attempt to embarrass North West in public. But luckily she wasn’t present for the incident.

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7. Even her aunts were in on trying to cramp North’s style. 

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6. Usually, North would be able to get over something like this. But then her mom stepped out with pretty much no shirt on- and made North wear a matching outfit.

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5. What’s worse than picturing your mom with no shirt on? Oh yeah, this outfit.

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4. Then Aunt Kourtney made things sooooo much worse.

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3. To North’s dismay, her attempts to escape would prove unsuccessful and she was forced to walk with the two worst dressed women in all of Paris.

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2. For North- this is just the beginning. You can nearly see the fear of her mother’s future fashion mishaps in her eyes as they advanced down the hoe-stroll. 

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1. “Help me.”

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Top Ten Bruce Jenner Is a Lady Now

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In case you didn’t hear, Bruce Jenner quit Keeping Up With the Kardashians even though the show’s contract was renewed again by E!, making the Kardashians $40 million richer. Meanwhile, as you may have noticed, that when Bruce Jenner has been seen since his separation to long-time wife, Kris Jenner, he has been looking recognizably more feminine. Here are ten examples:

 

10. The speculations erupted following the publishing of this issue of Star magazine, published shortly Bruce and Kris Jenner announced they’d be getting a divorce. We didn’t really believe it at first- but the events that unfolded after it hit magazine racks proved they might be on to something: 

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9. For those of you who don’t have eyeballs and/or live under a rock, Bruce Jenner has always been a major fan of plastic surgery. Particularly facelifts- which has given him a more feminine look in more recent years compared to his young handsome, Olympian self.

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8. After filing for divorce from Kris Jenner, but remaining amicable, he was seen sporting longer hair, and in some cases even a majestic ponytail. 

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7. Somewhere along the way rumors erupted that Bruce was considering getting his Adam’s apple shaved to make it look smaller. But he quickly denied these speculations. Shortly after though, he went through with the surgery anyway. Seen here recovering.

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6. Here are the neck scars to prove it. 

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5. Following the surgery, he was seen around town looking more like a soccer mom like a gold medalist. 

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4. Rocking ombre locks way better than Kim, Kourtney, or Khloe ever will. 

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3. He could probably use a training bra. 

Bruce Jenner buys a paddle board at a local surf shop in malibu, CA

2. He’s been growing out his finger nails… 

Bruce Jenner Shopping At Becker Surf Shop

1. And to complete the look…

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Kris Jenner is Still an Evil Betch

For those of us who were formally in love with Robert Kardashian, circa KUWK season 1 and 2, it’s difficult to accept the circumstances that we have to work with as of now. Rob has increasingly become increasingly heavier upon breaking up with Def Records signed-singer, Rita Ora, as of last year. It’s apparent that Rob is just in a rough spot and will snap back because that’s what hot dudes with nice asses are capable of. And let me remind you of dat ass:

rob-kardashian-buttYUP!!! Yes please. It’s apparent that the gargantuan booty gene is hereditary in the Kardashian family, and we are so blessed that Rob was graced with it because he works it so much harder than his older sister, Kim.

Anyway, Kris Jenner has evidentially been sipping too heavily on the Haterade as of recently, because she has made it clear that she is not a fan of Rob’s weight gain, in fact, she called him an embarrassment to the Kardashian name. Via, Daily Mail:

“A source told the publication: ‘Rob is fatter than ever, and Kris finally flat out told him he’s an embarrassment to the family.’

‘She called him a fat slob and said he’s losing out on business opportunities because no one wants someone as huge.’”

Uhhhhm, excuse me, betch, at least he isn’t moseying around looking like Liza Minnelli’s tanner younger sister. If Rob Kardashian is an embarrassment to the Kardashian name, then please explain the following:

  1. Kim Kardashian’s sex tape
  2. Kim Kardashian’s televised fake wedding
  3. Kim Kardashian’s fake marriage only lasting 70 days
  4. Kimye
  5. The Kardashian Kollection (available at Sears)
  6. The entire Keeping Up With the Kardashians franchise
  7. Bruce Jenner’s supposed pre-sex change
  8. Kris Jenner’s failed talk show
  9. Scott Disick
  10. Khloe Kardashian’s unpredictable camel toe

Am I missing anything? You get the point. Rob’s weight should be the least of the Kardashian’s concerns as of now in terms of their public image, because I can assure them that it was tarnished as soon as they came to the scene. Of course we’ll always miss the days where Rob Kardashian looked fine as hayell with that tight ass of his, but we’ll be there to defend him until he gets his shit straight again. Love you, Rob. Screen Shot 2014-02-05 at 5.10.28 PM

 

 

Kim K Wants to Be Nori’s Kris Jenner

Because the Kardashians are hereditary fame whores, it is natural that Kim Kardashian would seek to provoke their natural instinct by exposing North West to the spot light early on in life. Daily Mail reports that Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are already fighting over whether or not North should appear on episodes of her reality television shows. Because North is an innocent 7-month-old who doesn’t know what the f*** is going on, Kanye came to her defense by claiming that the idea of featuring her on the show is “tacky.”

“‘But once Kanye came on the scene, that all changed. Kanye shuts Kim down whenever she brings it up.’

The rapper doesn’t want his only child to ever pop up on the E! show, the source added, because he believes reality TV is ‘tacky.’

‘He doesn’t want North on display. He will be very happy when Kim is done with the show,’ said the insider.”

It should speak volumes when Kanye West dubs something as “tacky.” He obviously knows a thing or two about tackiness because he’s given so many significant examples of it in the past (see below), so it’s clear he could easily categorize such behavior and call h***s out for it.

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Kanye has visions of  a Blue Ivy Carter type upbringing, in which the parents divert tons of time, money, and sweat equity in making sure their kids grow up semi-secluded from the press. It’s too bad he chose to breed with a family that only thrives when the cameras are rolling, and at some point or another he’ll no longer have any control over whether or not North can appear on camera or not.

And all was right with the world, once again: Kris Jenner’s talk show canceled.

I don't know who made this picture of Kris, but they are my hero.

I don’t know who made this picture of Kris, but they are my hero.

 

Apparently, the powerful demons that work for Kris Jenner have either escaped their captor or decided to stop making deals with her so that she and her family can get ahead. Radar Online has a report that Kris’ Fox talk show has been canceled. HOORAYYY!

“The mother-of-six turned manager was recently told, “There is no chance the talkshow is going to get a green light from FOX. The ratings were averaging an abysmal 0.8 and advertisers were less than enthusiastic about it.”

Well, Kris, I guess your stunt to pimp out your granddaughter on your show for ratings didn’t work. Which makes since, because I am sure that FOX is going to be looking at the ratings of more than just the one episode where you pulled a stunt when making their decision. Kris, you aren’t Kim or Kanye or your younger daughter who you’ve forced into modeling- and I think that most people would agree that you are the worst Kartrashian, because you are the one who shoves all of your kids into our faces. Nobody wants to watch you talk or hear your opinion because you are awful and have no soul. Give it up now, and maybe put some of the energy you expend by trying to make yourself the center of attention into properly mothering your two children that are still under the age of 18.